Masochists gather this time of year to take delight in the fear of chainsaws, zombies, and scary clowns (AKA clowns).  Here is your resource for foolish activities such as paying for people to scare the living crap out of you in Colorado.

The Frightmare Compound

The word “frightmare” is like a dream that’s scary, but not a nightmare, scarier than that.  That’s what “frightmare” is, a scary nightmare…or something.  Locals recognize The Frightmare Compound (or simply Frightmare) as the quintessential haunted house in Denver for the last three decades.   Located in the Promenade area of Westminster you can ease the pain of this experience with a LEGO movie at the theaters adjacent, or shoot zombies in the old school House of the Dead shoot-em-up games at Dave and Buster’s.  As a bonus, you can visit the ghost of Poppy the Clown in his haunted clown house (which sounds like a terrible idea).  As for us, watching the campy Killer Klowns from Outer Space will suffice.

To learn more about The Frightmare Compound click This Clown Doesn’t Even PAINT a Smile on His Face

The Asylum

This haunted house was featured on the Travel Channel’s “America’s Scariest Halloween Attractions” (now cable news covers that in Washington D.C.; hey oh!).  Additionally, Hauntworld Magazine rated it one of America’s top-10 haunted houses, and Hauntworld has never steered you wrong before.  The Asylum features three storylines that all sound like they’d make a popular AMC show but it should be noted that the haunts lack clowns, from what we can tell, so the scare factor is slightly lower by that measure.  Tickets vary in price depending on the day of week you go, and to skip the line entirely drop an extra $20 for the VIP pass.  That’s like paying extra to be kicked in the crotch first; whatever floats your boat.

To learn more about The Asylum click Voted #1 By Someone, Somewhere


What’s the worst part about haunted houses?  You don’t get to carry a weapon.  That’s where Extinction differentiates itself from the rest of the pack.  No joke, you are issued a freaking gun in this haunted house so that you can stave off the onslaught of ghouls, monsters, and clowns (actually, we’re pretty sure there aren’t clowns in this one either).  These are BB guns but you are given a full magazine to shoot the baddies as you wind your way through the horror.  If you survive you can do it again at a discount.  Like a video game, we feel they should have different levels in novice, intermediate, and expert where intermediate gets fewer BBs and expert just gets a knife…then again, maybe that’s a bad idea.

To learn more about Extinction click Say “Hello” to My Little Friend!

13th Floor

Featured on Huffington Post, ABC News, and MTV (that should cover most demographics) this haunted house is revered as one of the best in the country.  With three storylines, you’re sure to freak out so maybe take Deadpool’s advice and “wear your brown pants” for this trip.  One of the storylines includes the sentence: “Strange reports describe terrorizing shape shifting creatures, most often seen as evil clowns.”  Clowns, it had to be clowns.  You could, instead, try your luck in the other stories which include haunted twins in a mansion as an even creepier reminiscence of The Shining, or their nightmarish option where “a demonic entity pulls you into her nightmare where she gathers all creatures of horror.”  I’ll wait in the car.

To learn more about 13th Floor click If You Live on the 14th Floor it’s Really the 13th (Spooky)

Haunted Field of Screams

If you build it they will come, and they aren’t coming to toss a ball around!  Kevin Costner would roll in his grave if he saw this (and if he weren’t alive).  Get out to the farm for this freaky time that is more likely to take you to the world of Signs or Children of the Corn than it is Field of Dreams.  There are three options at this location including Dead Man’s Maze which is a moonlit corn maze filled with evil creatures around every wrong turn.  The second option is pretty cool, it’s a paintball adventure where you are given a paintball gun at the end and are tasked to shoot zombies lest they dine on your flesh.  And, of course, the namesake experience is the Field of Screams which is teased with: “So what is your worst nightmare…? Zombies…? Clowns…?”  It’s like they’re in my head!

To learn more about Haunted Field of Screams click This is Why I’m Not a Farmer

It’s a month of fright from the corn fields to the 13th floors.  Watch out for zombies, monsters, and…nope, not gonna say it!